eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
