oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
