I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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