I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i wish my penis had a tongue
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
