Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
