you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
