if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
