Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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