I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
