Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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