He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
