i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
