my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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