Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
