@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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