i already hear my dad disowning me
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
