You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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