we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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