I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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