I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
