He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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