You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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