Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
