I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
