we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
