i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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