I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
