Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
