Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
