The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
