Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
