drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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