I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
