you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
