So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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