how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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