my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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