FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
