I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize