I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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