Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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