I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
