I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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