Kiss
Puke
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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