I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
