i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
