i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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