shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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