In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Randomize
