Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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