does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
