I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
