dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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