Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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