My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
