my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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