is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
