i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
