I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
