she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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