i wish my penis had a tongue
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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